Chapter 1: I never thought I'd use

Chapter 1:

I never thought I'd use the description, but today I had an idea that struck me like lightening. As the thought bubbled like a Fresca into my brain I actually felt a physical jolt of energy shoot through my spinal column. I had really been in a fog all day, distracted at work because I had this new guy on my mind and because I had disabled too many brain cells the night before with shots of Wild Turkey. (Why?). At seven I went to my book club and guided a lackluster discussion on a book I had desperately scurried to finish as the other members waited in line at the coffee house. Afterward I stopped in at my buddy Dan's house over on campus, they call it "the castle." The whole time I was there I was paranoid I would be thought of as "that one girl who nobody really knows who comes over to hang out sometimes, and she's, like, way older than the rest of us so she probably has no life of her own, and she seems cool but she might be weird, we don't really know." I said as much and Carrie, who obviously wore the matriarch role in "this disease-infested garbage pile"(her words) gave an insincere half-laugh which furthered my suspicions. They were convinced that I was either a narc or an anthropology major because I was keeping notes. This is why:

Everyone was talking about how there's always someone new hanging around and as they described their cast of characters it was like I was watching their private sit-com:

" . . .Well, sometimes we give them nicknames. Doris, Doris the Clitoris. She was this girl that would hang out here last fall. She had her clit pierced and she kept showing it to everyone. We called her 'Doris the Clitoris' all the time and eventually no one could remember her real name."

--"Oh my god!" someone yells from the kitchen, "Are you guys talking about Doris the Clitoris? Did you know that she's a stripper now at Kings? Swear to god. Do you know a guy named Antwon?"

--"Is he black?"

--"The twitchy one? He always forgets what he's talking about in the middle of the story. And he lies all the time. He told me he makes all his own clothes with a needle and thread, he just copied the LEVIS stitching for the pattern."
Dan's roommate Ries jumps up from his perch on the arm of the couch and begins shifting rapidly back and forth on his feet. He rubs his chin and starts what I can only assume is an Antwon impression in a sorry-midwestern-white-guy "black voice", "Dem kidz kin dance up in Chicago, man. Muthafuckahs can really dance."

--"Yeah, that guy's a douche," Dan agreed. "He told me one time that if he took one more ecsatsy pill he was gonna lose his mind. Gonna?" Carrie, who has been silently absorbed in her video game for the last 15 minutes interjects with a my-story-beats-your-story: "I totally know that guy. Last year he stole my sketchbook and told people that he drew them all."

I'm telling these guys that I know Dan from his new job and one asks if it was some part of the interview process to observe him in his natural habitat. Next this Muppetty-looking guy slumped in a corner papasan chair claims he always checks "Jewish" on applications to make sure he gets the job or whatever. His roommate defends him, "You totally deserve it, though. You've proved your Jewness when you talked the rent down on this place from $625 to $450."

Then the epiphany: I should start writing some of this shit down, it's blogger gold. So I fished a pen out of the couch cushions and picked a sheet of loose paper up off the floor. On one side of the page was a memo to mall employees, a warning that the city's water treatment plant had been contaminated with E. coli so don't drink from the tap. On the other was a list of mechanics for the cards Two through Ace for the drinking game Categories written in red Sharpie.

Gold, I say.

Last night I found myself at roller

Last night I found myself at a Roller Derby. What a riot! The Minnesota Rollergirls had an exhibition at the local staking rink. It started out kind of slow, and it took a few turns around the track to figure out the rules. Two teams of five women skate around the track in a pack(jam) while one player from each team tries to lap the pack and score points as many times as possible in two minute "jams." I think. The music was loud and the crowd got rowdy. There was a lot of falling down. Straight men and women alike can't help but find it a little bit hot. I recommend the Roller Derby for a fun night out, A good time was had by all.

Mom turned me on to this guy

Mom turned me on to John Dolan. He is an editor for the eXile, a Russian-based alternative newspaper. Much of Dolan's contributions are book reviews, including one of Frey's "memoir" titled A Million Pieces of Shit (from 2003 even). I don't pretend to associate myself with the intellectual crowd so I'll admit a lot of the subject matter is over my head, but it's plainly written, it's funny, and it's mean(my favorite combination). Though I don't know squat about war literature or the Russian economy, I can understand Dolan's critique of Anthony Swafford's Jarhead or his rant about David Satter's Darkness At Dawn. Reading these reviews makes me feel smarter, and you know me, I'm into feelings.

Found this on amazon today

In 23 days I will turn 30. Actually, I will turn 7.5 birthdays since I don't get a real one this year, But I'm so excited! I am oficially a grownup, but I'm still so cool. It seems life just keeps getting better every year. When I think about how insane and difficult the last 10 years have been I'm elated to have learned from it all and put it all behind me. And think of all the great stuff to look forward to: my family will probably grow, I could move away or settle right here, I'll probably do some great travelling and not have to charge it, the whole sexual peak thing(really looking forward to that one), think of all the good books yet to be read, all the new music yet to be enjoyed, movies, family, friends, life! I love my job and have tons of ideas to keep it exciting for the next few years. I know there will be struggles to come. I will probably lose one or more of my grandparents, and that scares me to death. I know there will be broken hearts and emergencies, ups and downs, wrinkles and grey hairs. But I am strong, and these things will make me stronger. I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I'm in charge! Bring on the black balloons!  P.S. Check out my Wish List!